the holy week

the holy week week i had didnt turned out as what i planned to do.. spend the days with my uyab, sleep over. i had plans of spending every minute out of it since it was the only "vacation" i have for now. but my mom said i have to stay home. mika galore! bored to death. and my brother was pissing me off a bit.. darn it.. it was ,,i dont know.. we had a "bisit inglesia" instead of 7, we only went to 6 churches. from san vicente ferrer to st. ignatius to sto. rosario then to USC church, and from there, walked to the cathedral, and finished it off at sto. niño with a stop over before going home at chowking for some halo-halo.. yum? hehehehe i dont know.. we're supposed to be having some "fasting".. hehehe

now, i so messed up with school.. the clearance, the heat.. failing grades(damn), and some freaking things that comes up...

damn.. im pissed..

peace diay.. hehehe

the students rocked the auditorium

yesterday, 21st of march 2005, the sophomores of CCMC-CN totally rocked the school auditorium. it was an awesome event that we had there. the guests enjoyed the plays and although the dean walked out because she was tired from the day's work, we are proud to say that they were allured with these different presentations.

it was kinda funny though since there were no "real" practice, more like of an "impromptu" or something like that. well anyways, the presentation was about "Philippine Literature Through the Years" - a culminatng event of what we have lewarned throughout this semester by our professor, Mr. Edwin Pilapil. it wasnt that organized, but we all managed.

it started with some story telling with a lot of dances, which moved to the story of "Tungkong Langit and Alunsina", a role play filled entertaining catch phrases, and there were some chorale reading, to vairety shows, to original pieces from the the student's brillant minds, to shadow plays, some musicals.

although the lighting effects were not so good(which is not totally our fault), we were still sparkled and glittered in the dark lights. and even if our back drops(the visual background--whatever they call it) we not really as lively as they should be, they were moved by the audiences creative mind which we had endowed them by our "intelligence"(?) --uhmm,, i really dont know.. hehehe

im not bragging about this, but all in all, we were good. inspite of our hectic schedule for our Individual Conference and a tight budget for out coming major event and busy for the exams, we stil made it.. with three days practice, it was... okay.. i guess..

the school auditorium was filled with the music of the audiences, we were amateurs, we did it with out own effort. and we had fun seeing the people watching us had fun..


in behalf of my classmates, we would like to thank God, our teachers, our friends, our love ones, ..everyone.. we thank you...

is it really unfair?

yesterday, i was able to spend some time with my friend. her boyfriend and her just had 3 years and a month. she was abit depressed for some reasons that i cant tell anyone else. well, we had fun talking about things. later, when we were able to talk. it was a bit sad. she told me that maybe she was blinded with emotions, being depressed, she doesnt feel him caring for her. and she still loves him inspite of that but she feels that she's just fooling herself. i mean, maybe she was just tired. but in love, do we have the right to be tired? a time out? is there such a thing? how i wish i could have helped her. but she told me she was thankful that she was able to let it all out. uhmmm. then, something got me. we were sharing thoughts about some points of life. and what we both found out was that maybe life is unfair. love is unfair. but later, i asked myself? why is it unfair? we did have our choices, and that was our decision to be in such place. even if how much we express our love to someone, we shouldn't expect that they are going to treat us that way. we are all different. some people give up easily, others pursue on their goals, while some would hide themselves inside them which usually turns out to be too late..

what really annoys me about myself is that, i sometimes say to myself "if only i didn't", but what i usually say is that "if only id did, then maybe"..

*breathes hard*

she taught me something that i always turned down. that i do have friends. that talking does help soothen our feelings. but i do hope they get back soon.. it would be a sad ending for the both of them to break up because they werent able to talk things out and we holding back..

although things maybe unfair, we have to make sacrifices, butwe dont have to force ourselves. each of us has a limit. but only we can decide where the limits are. patience is a virtue, but if patience will ran out, where will we find it? is it just there where we left it? hidden? or is it does it falter like everything else? how soon will it come back? i've got lots of questions, but i dont want to think of them as final exams(which i flunked), maybe the answers would just come after us. and maybe, it's just teaaching us something we have to learn..


zhoinks!!

painting

hah!! im playing gunbound right now.. yesterday was something to that makes me think about things.. i seem to have found the "cure" for this loneliness thing.. altough it didnt camew in a box or bottle or something else.. i went to sm.. the painting thing there? its was pretty fun.. it seems that i could do what i want to the figurine. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.. did had fun.. got some chucks!! and he was there!!

haaaay. life is so hard.

i wish i were free. its not free from someone, i just wish i can do the things that i want. i can learn things my way. i wasnt this easy thing you can just tell to do things. i have my life. i wish theyd just let me be who i amm and accept me for that. i wish i could express what i really feel. i wish i could just do the things that i want. i've been waiting for so long to be what i really am. until now, im still searching for what i am. i am tired of this life. but i wont give up. i shouldnt give up. i have friends, i have a special someone, and i will never give up for him. and i have myself.. i have myself to give comfort to. i have to understand what i really feel. oh god. help me. i wish i could scream out all these inside me. make them understand. i wish i wasnt dependent on others, i wish i could have stand on my own.. i guess all i need is time to get all these.. one day, i'll be fly away from all these problems and be carefree like i used to be when i was a child.


damn.

i miss you...

gugmang giatay, gauros-uros.. kamingaw dili masabot.. karong taknaa, imong mga halok akong gpangita.. kasing-kasing ko gashagit, sa imong ngalan nga unta kanimo madungog... gihigugma ko ikaw....

dreams?

lately, i've been having these strange dreams. dreams that seems to be telling me something, yet, i can't figure out what they mean. its like i always wake up before the "ending" starts.

first, i dreamt about being someone else who can transform into something it touches, the other night, i dreamt that i was some monster that seems to be frightened by hurting people, and last night, i dreamt that i was a leader of some weird cult that has some pagan practices. and the only thing common in these dreams is that he was always there, and i could hug him tight, but then i'm supposed to hurt him for my survival, but when im about to do such thing, i can't.. and so then he leaves me... geez, i dont know what it's trying to tell. and im scared to know what it means..

this month, i've been feeling down. it seems that i am lost, that i want to reach out for someone.. i've been so insecure lately, scared to loose him, scared to be away by his side. damn. i wish i just could be strong enough to face what i'm feeling right now. strong enough to tell him what i want. i need him.. i dont know if he needs me, but i do need him. and i love him.. i don't care about what's going to happen to me in the future, but i loose him, maybe... maybe then, i could find myself in the deepest ocean, wanting for serenity..

my dreams, what are they trying to me.. what am i supposed to do? how can i face these fers that i have?


damn.





tovma! hehehehehe

lost

i feel lost, i am searching for something that i used to have, i am looking for the things that i already have.. its seems that my sense of directon is not working quite well this week.. its like, my chest is empty, and my migraine is getting worse everyday. oh GOd! what does this mean? how i wish i could do the things that i want?! its not like someone is telling me to do things, i want to follow my heart, but my mind is tearing me apart from it.i dont know where i am.. i am insecure of the things around me, of the people who i met, the people in my life.. oh how i wish i could find the way to "balance" evrything up. i dont know what im feeling. i need you!
God help me!

confusing

i dont know..

love isnt that hard, its just something you have to prove <-- easy for some people to say!, but how can love be proven when you dont even recognize what the other person has done to you? i mean, we all have our insecurities, but dealing with it makes us better. right? but how can we deal with it? how can we deal with our fears? facing them and not knowing what will happen after it? is that the risk we all have to take? why is it that we regret things when its too late?*giggles*..

we make decisions, but a lot always end up saying, "if only.." or blame other people? why cant you just face your decisions and make your wrong decision be right? im really so confusing noh?! ahehehe actually, i really dont know what to right down here..

lemme understand

haaaay.. i dont get it.. i dont understand.. i dont know what, i dont know why.. i feel like i want to shout bt i cant, i want fart but i want to puke.. i dont know!! NOT!!

really, i just fone know what it is or why.. but i dont blame anything or anytone for it.. who else is there to blame??

sad...

naks

i just had my first IC(indiviual counseling) at school, it was a bit easy.. ahehehe im not bragging about it, but the question really was not that mind boggling! ahehehe well, i hope i could make it with the other subjects.. uhhhmmmm... what else is there to say? gotta go.. stil got to be in class.

some message.

here's some message i read from a friend of mine..


its not wrong to love someone you loved before,
but if the love you feel brings tears to someone,
be fair!! cause you might never know that the one you hurt,

is the one who could love you even more..

oh no..

yeah, i did make a terrible mistake.. i love him so much.. with i dont know.. i want to say everything, but you might think its korny, but i really dont care.. that's what i feel, and you cant do anything about it.. oh, i deleted the post before this one.. i was "over-whelmed?" i mean, over powered with emotions. i guess.. but i dont know.. i was so scared, maybe, maybe, i shouldnt be.. but i really wasnt able to help myself, i sought for his presence, his voice at that time, and i felt alone. im so sorry... you know i love you.. i love you so much...dang..

to the most beautiful thing in my life,
i love you, and i always will.. and im sorry if im stubborn at times, ill try to control my emotions.. i love you..

oh no..

i was truly upset and sad of what has happened.. i deleted what i last poseted here.. i didnt like it.. i was stupid.yeah.. maybe got carried with the emotions and stuff. yeah yeah yeah.. i know.. i shouldnt havc jumped into conclusion and those kinds of stuff, but i couldnt help me.. it was so damn.., i dont know.. i was so so scared.. okay, here's the thing.. i love him, and i dont want to loose him.. even if i have to face , the mirror? ahehehe i dont know.. basta, im so sorry for what ive done.. i love you..

alone

haays... im so sad today.. i havent seen him nor touched his hand for 2 days.. i guess.. i really miss him.. and.. i dont know what else i'll do.. it's so cold.. and i'm not feeling that well.. help me! i wish there was something that i can do to make this pain go away.. i wish i could pick my heart, open it, clean it up, and sew it back.. i really dont know what to do.. i really do love him......

dang.

the sweetest things in this world today have come to us through tears and pain
-J.R. Miller

yet,..

ryetherabbi

i love him.. so much.. much more than this world can offer. yet, im too insecure. insecure of the people around him, the things that he does, insecure of myself, scaring myself, tellin myself things i dont want to think about. i am so scared. can anyone help me? i dont want to lose my life. im trying so hard to let go of these fears that seems to stay here with me, within me.. i love him.. so much.. much more.. i know i make mistakes, i know im not perfect, and i really dont know what to say when i dont feel good about things that it justs blurts out..(or something like that).. it seems like even if how much i try to hde things, i can help it.. i want to be careful with my words.. i love him.. so much.. much more... i can stay beside him for the rest of my life, ill try to manage the things so that i'll have time for me, and that e'll have to for me.. even if i dont have that much, i'll give everything i have just so that i can see him, to touch him, to feel his soft lips and hold his hands and be caught by his strong arms.. i love him.. so much.. much more.. what ever happens to me, i know i'm sure that i gave him my all.. and maybe it would be my fault to expect things.. expect the things i should expect from someone.. i read this thing from some waiting shed! ahehehe forced kindness doesnt need to be appreciated, or something like that.. i really dont now the right words, but hell no! ahehehe awnyways, i am terribly sorry if i have to post this.. and im terribly sorry if i've done a lot of things and said words that,.. uhmmm how do i say this? like.. i know its wrong to say i didnt mean them but i was jsutcarried out by my emotions by that time, alone, by myself.. and being envious.. i am deeply sorry....

i love him.. so much.. much more...

tired

wow... its really tiring to be a student.. hehehe but one has to do his responsibilies for is own good. lolz.. just finishd our documenation for our school thing.. its was really fun making it, got to spend the night at my cousin's place with my classmates and friends.. ahehe and cook pancit canton for breakfast and dinner. ahehehe and we worked hard just to make this one koo concept of my classmate, pop-up documents inside a CHN bag(if you know what a CHN bag is, great, but if not.. sorry).. i hope our clinical instrustor could appreciate our efforts trying to make one unique way of presenting some documents.. we spent a lot of effort in it.. and time as well. we didnt even had any weekends.. we just stayed there.. special people of my classmates went there to help and stay. and my special person went there for an overnight.. but nothing bad really happened there, every did had some "bonding" and became a bit closer to one another.. its really fun making it, especially if everyone would do their part, and help one another.. ahehehehe i do hope that would help me pass my failing subject.. :-(

till then.. ciao...

the_rabbi, on my first post..

woohoo!!! my first post... ahehehe well, i really dont know what tos ay.. i'm just happy.. hehehe i love you uyab!! mwah!! ahehehe well anyways, uhmm.. i'll think about it.. gotta go... ciao!